Our Miscarriage Story - Part 2
In a weird, roundabout kind of way, I feel grateful for many things on what is now considered a very heartbreaking day for Ed and I.
The ultra sound technician was a woman in her 60’s and was quite sweet and gentle. She knew it was my first pregnancy and knew I had about 2 minutes until I burst into tears crying. So she handed me a box of tissues , did her thing and let me cry silently throughout the entire procedure.
(unfortunately Ed couldn’t be in the room with me and was told to wait outside).
When she finished I walked out of the room, took one look at Ed and just broke down. Correction, we both did.
That’s the thing about intuition, when you know, you know.
In a perfect world we would have been given the results right away but there was an actual emergency in the ER so we had no choice but to sit in the waiting room for 5 hours before they called us in to let us know what the results were.
Let me tell you….longest 5 hours of my life.
Finally, we were called in. I sat on the bed and Ed in the chair next to me. The physician closed the curtain and said “you probably already know………( cue sad face)….but you’ve had what we call a basic miscarriage”.
No word or explanation will ever clearly describe what I felt in that moment. I mean intuitively I knew, but I also needed to hear it because throughout everything you still hold on to a little bit of hope. Losing your unborn child isn’t like losing a family member or friend to death ( and i’ve lots a few). For me it was like experiencing someone taking the life out of me ( no pun intended). It was almost like I forgot what happiness even was because all I felt was this insane deep sadness. To be honest, the only people who can comprehend this are the ones who have gone through it themselves.
Once the doctor broke the news he told us to take as much time as we needed. So we sat there for what felt like hours trying to silently cry in a room full of strangers. By the time we were both able to get ourselves to the car I remember just sitting in the passenger seat crying so hard I couldn’t breath, see or move. Ed told me I was making sounds he had never heard a person make before.
When we finally got home I told Ed I needed to take a shower so I could wash the smell of hospital off me. I think I sat in there for 20 minutes. By the time I got out I found Ed sitting on the kitchen floor with our pup, face in his palms, crying.
So there we sat for hours together trying to process what just happened.
This was our loss and if there is anything I am grateful from this experience it’s this:
Ed. I didn’t think it was possible to fall more in love with him but I did and I think we both appreciate each other more than we used too.
The kindness of the physician who told me I lost my baby- He took the time to tell us about his miscarriage story with his wife and I still hold on to the hope he instilled in us.
The thoughtful nurse who sat with me in silence (holding my hand) while we waited.
My parents who always know what to say
My sisters who called me everyday to make sure I was ok
My brother for feeding us
My best friends for buying Ed and I groceries
For the 150+ women on social media who shared with me their stories and made me feel less alone. Their bravery, their kindness and their willingness to reach out to me still warms my heart to this day. If it wasn’t for them I don’t think I would have fully healed.